Throwback Thursday, A Draft from 2012: I Met Aslan in the Closet

I did. I was so far in the closet I was sipping tea with him (borrowed and paraphrased from a comment by this brilliant blogger, Personal Failure). Gay was a judgement from the fundamentalist God for people who had seared their own conscience past grace. Certainly my same-sex attractions were something for me to leave behind with the newness of puberty, certainly the appreciations of my own sex's attributes were purely aesthetic. I thought.

The trouble comes when reality and expectations collide. My own religious expectations (specifically fundamentalist Christian expectations) fell apart when I realized I was queer. Fundamentalism, and evangelical Christianity at large, leaves no room for queer. It does not exist; the distorted caricatures of gay drawn from lies and misinformation do not count, ie. that homosexuals are perverts and predators. Gay =/= ('does not equal')sex acts.  Everyone has a sexual orientation, just as everyone has a body type or a sense of individuality. Sexual orientation is all about how one relates sexually to the various sexes.

Gay does not pray away. Gay does not go away with chastity or celibacy. I believed my gay would pray away. I expected chastity and then marriage to heal my sexuality, I believed God would enable me to move past queer. I was wrong. 

And I have faced down my fears. I am no longer a hypocrite, as I was when I was a queer fundamentalist. Through the agony, tears, guilt, terror, confusion, I have struggled. And I am alive.  This is my voice and I will be damned before I shut up again.

Not only am I alive but I am ok. Not only ok but refreshed, renewed, reborn, if you will. And I'm writing again in my blog, with my green voice, and I am saying, 'It does get better.' The human spirit is absolutely unstoppable. If one can keep one's will, that one has every chance of surviving and thriving. Even without an awareness of personal will, we humans are wired to do so, survive and thrive, and we do what we must. I affirm each person's ability to rise above circumstances; time and excruciating pain are the cost, surely, but to move on with life is life itself. Authentic living is the most loving gift we can give, I think. Be true, be humble, be strong. Authentic living is the basis of positive change in this world.

I have found some true, humble, strong people.  I believe their efforts, continued, studied, and supported by more true, humble, strong people will change the world. What to do as the brunt of mockery and scorning? What to do in the face of ignorance and fear? Find others and hang on tight.  Bob Jones University has gay students in attendance. BJU has gay former faculty and gay alumni.  BJU has this thing about standing with apology for their beliefs. Until very recently BJU stood without apology for racism. Until recently BJU stood without apology for lack of accreditation. Until recently BJU stood without apology for disallowing women to wear pants or slacks. BJU stands without apology in propagation of hatred and violence towards 'homosexuals' (SEE UPDATE BELOW). Bludgeoning people to death with rocks is not an acceptable method of world change.  The hate speech must stop. Sticks and stones may break my bones and words become beliefs which may become emotional scars which can stay with one a whole lifetime; words can ostracize and hurt people so badly that they cut short their own lives. The hatred that drives the speech must stop; but violent words should have no place on our lips, especially the lips of anyone who claims the name of Jesus Christ.

BJUnity has started a petition asking for an apology from BJU, specifically Bob Jones III, who has preached this hatred and violence against queer peoples. BJUnity can change the world; it has already. Nothing can take away from our PRIDE; as it is authentic, true, humble, and strong. Marching in NYC's PRIDE 2012 with BJUnity healed many wounds for me. I wanted my body to give my message; on myself I wrote these things, antonyms in metaphor to my life when it was less authentic: PROUD, OUT, FREE, TRUE, FORGIVEN, HOPE, PEACE. I met Aslan in the closet, I met friends who became family in NYC, I learned that love and acceptance is alive, and best of all that change is not just coming, but happening around me, one person at a time.

UPDATE: Hell froze over, in other words, he apologized.
http://bjunity.org/news-views/bjunity-responds-to-bob-jones-iii-apology/

Come Back to the Water

I've been staring at the edge of the water
Long as I can remember, never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try

For so long I tried to fit into the expectations of female that were laid upon me. I tried to be a good daughter.

Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know where I cannot go
Where I long to be

The expectations assigned to me at birth kept me from where I long to be. And I can't escape the call of freedom.

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
If I go there's just no telling how far I'll go

Gender is a complicated path. But it is a necessary path to self. I'll go far to find my truth that's calling me.

I know everybody on this island seems so happy, on this island
Everything is by design
I know everybody on this island has a role, on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine

I came from the island. It's all I've ever known. God made male and female, and nothing in between. Gender roles are black and white to the people on the island. They all accept their place, so maybe I should accept mine.

I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I'll be satisfied if I play along
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me?

They tell me how I'm supposed to be. They tell me satisfaction will come with faith and obedience. I'm not so sure. Experience tells me differently.

See the light as it shines on the sea? It's blinding
But no one knows, how deep it goes
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me
And let me know
What's beyond that line, will I cross that line?

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Nothing about the path is guaranteed to go as planned.

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
How far I'll go

I'm coming back to the water. 

I have often dreamed of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome would be waiting for me
Where the crowds would cheer, when they see my face
And a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be

Everyone wants to be accepted and celebrated.

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance
I will find my way if I can be strong
I know every mile would be worth my while
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong 

Non-binary is hard. But truth is worth it. 

Down an unknown road to embrace my fate
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you
And a thousand years would be worth the wait
It might take a lifetime but somehow I'll see it through

Transgender is not just a transition, but a journey.

And I won't look back, I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track, no I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't loose hope, 'till I go the distanceAnd my journey is complete, oh yeah 

Truth is calling.

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart, oh

Like a shooting star, I will go the distance

I will search the world, I will face its harms
I don't care how far, I can go the distance
'Till I find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms

 I will search the world, I will face its harms
'Till I find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms

A psychiatrist told me that I needed thick skin to be transmasculine. Rejection is so hard to face. But I will find my truth, in the water.