I did. I was so far in the closet I was sipping tea with him (borrowed and paraphrased from a comment by this brilliant blogger, Personal Failure). Gay was a judgement from the fundamentalist God for people who had seared their own conscience past grace. Certainly my same-sex attractions were something for me to leave behind with the newness of puberty, certainly the appreciations of my own sex's attributes were purely aesthetic. I thought.
The trouble comes when reality and expectations collide. My own religious expectations (specifically fundamentalist Christian expectations) fell apart when I realized I was queer. Fundamentalism, and evangelical Christianity at large, leaves no room for queer. It does not exist; the distorted caricatures of gay drawn from lies and misinformation do not count, ie. that homosexuals are perverts and predators. Gay =/= ('does not equal')sex acts. Everyone has a sexual orientation, just as everyone has a body type or a sense of individuality. Sexual orientation is all about how one relates sexually to the various sexes.
Gay does not pray away. Gay does not go away with chastity or celibacy. I believed my gay would pray away. I expected chastity and then marriage to heal my sexuality, I believed God would enable me to move past queer. I was wrong.
And I have faced down my fears. I am no longer a hypocrite, as I was when I was a queer fundamentalist. Through the agony, tears, guilt, terror, confusion, I have struggled. And I am alive. This is my voice and I will be damned before I shut up again.
Not only am I alive but I am ok. Not only ok but refreshed, renewed, reborn, if you will. And I'm writing again in my blog, with my green voice, and I am saying, 'It does get better.' The human spirit is absolutely unstoppable. If one can keep one's will, that one has every chance of surviving and thriving. Even without an awareness of personal will, we humans are wired to do so, survive and thrive, and we do what we must. I affirm each person's ability to rise above circumstances; time and excruciating pain are the cost, surely, but to move on with life is life itself. Authentic living is the most loving gift we can give, I think. Be true, be humble, be strong. Authentic living is the basis of positive change in this world.
I have found some true, humble, strong people. I believe their efforts, continued, studied, and supported by more true, humble, strong people will change the world. What to do as the brunt of mockery and scorning? What to do in the face of ignorance and fear? Find others and hang on tight. Bob Jones University has gay students in attendance. BJU has gay former faculty and gay alumni. BJU has this thing about standing with apology for their beliefs. Until very recently BJU stood without apology for racism. Until recently BJU stood without apology for lack of accreditation. Until recently BJU stood without apology for disallowing women to wear pants or slacks. BJU stands without apology in propagation of hatred and violence towards 'homosexuals' (SEE UPDATE BELOW). Bludgeoning people to death with rocks is not an acceptable method of world change. The hate speech must stop. Sticks and stones may break my bones and words become beliefs which may become emotional scars which can stay with one a whole lifetime; words can ostracize and hurt people so badly that they cut short their own lives. The hatred that drives the speech must stop; but violent words should have no place on our lips, especially the lips of anyone who claims the name of Jesus Christ.
BJUnity has started a petition asking for an apology from BJU, specifically Bob Jones III, who has preached this hatred and violence against queer peoples. BJUnity can change the world; it has already. Nothing can take away from our PRIDE; as it is authentic, true, humble, and strong. Marching in NYC's PRIDE 2012 with BJUnity healed many wounds for me. I wanted my body to give my message; on myself I wrote these things, antonyms in metaphor to my life when it was less authentic: PROUD, OUT, FREE, TRUE, FORGIVEN, HOPE, PEACE. I met Aslan in the closet, I met friends who became family in NYC, I learned that love and acceptance is alive, and best of all that change is not just coming, but happening around me, one person at a time.
UPDATE: Hell froze over, in other words, he apologized.
http://bjunity.org/news-views/bjunity-responds-to-bob-jones-iii-apology/
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