Throwback Thursday, A Draft from 2012: I Met Aslan in the Closet

I did. I was so far in the closet I was sipping tea with him (borrowed and paraphrased from a comment by this brilliant blogger, Personal Failure). Gay was a judgement from the fundamentalist God for people who had seared their own conscience past grace. Certainly my same-sex attractions were something for me to leave behind with the newness of puberty, certainly the appreciations of my own sex's attributes were purely aesthetic. I thought.

The trouble comes when reality and expectations collide. My own religious expectations (specifically fundamentalist Christian expectations) fell apart when I realized I was queer. Fundamentalism, and evangelical Christianity at large, leaves no room for queer. It does not exist; the distorted caricatures of gay drawn from lies and misinformation do not count, ie. that homosexuals are perverts and predators. Gay =/= ('does not equal')sex acts.  Everyone has a sexual orientation, just as everyone has a body type or a sense of individuality. Sexual orientation is all about how one relates sexually to the various sexes.

Gay does not pray away. Gay does not go away with chastity or celibacy. I believed my gay would pray away. I expected chastity and then marriage to heal my sexuality, I believed God would enable me to move past queer. I was wrong. 

And I have faced down my fears. I am no longer a hypocrite, as I was when I was a queer fundamentalist. Through the agony, tears, guilt, terror, confusion, I have struggled. And I am alive.  This is my voice and I will be damned before I shut up again.

Not only am I alive but I am ok. Not only ok but refreshed, renewed, reborn, if you will. And I'm writing again in my blog, with my green voice, and I am saying, 'It does get better.' The human spirit is absolutely unstoppable. If one can keep one's will, that one has every chance of surviving and thriving. Even without an awareness of personal will, we humans are wired to do so, survive and thrive, and we do what we must. I affirm each person's ability to rise above circumstances; time and excruciating pain are the cost, surely, but to move on with life is life itself. Authentic living is the most loving gift we can give, I think. Be true, be humble, be strong. Authentic living is the basis of positive change in this world.

I have found some true, humble, strong people.  I believe their efforts, continued, studied, and supported by more true, humble, strong people will change the world. What to do as the brunt of mockery and scorning? What to do in the face of ignorance and fear? Find others and hang on tight.  Bob Jones University has gay students in attendance. BJU has gay former faculty and gay alumni.  BJU has this thing about standing with apology for their beliefs. Until very recently BJU stood without apology for racism. Until recently BJU stood without apology for lack of accreditation. Until recently BJU stood without apology for disallowing women to wear pants or slacks. BJU stands without apology in propagation of hatred and violence towards 'homosexuals' (SEE UPDATE BELOW). Bludgeoning people to death with rocks is not an acceptable method of world change.  The hate speech must stop. Sticks and stones may break my bones and words become beliefs which may become emotional scars which can stay with one a whole lifetime; words can ostracize and hurt people so badly that they cut short their own lives. The hatred that drives the speech must stop; but violent words should have no place on our lips, especially the lips of anyone who claims the name of Jesus Christ.

BJUnity has started a petition asking for an apology from BJU, specifically Bob Jones III, who has preached this hatred and violence against queer peoples. BJUnity can change the world; it has already. Nothing can take away from our PRIDE; as it is authentic, true, humble, and strong. Marching in NYC's PRIDE 2012 with BJUnity healed many wounds for me. I wanted my body to give my message; on myself I wrote these things, antonyms in metaphor to my life when it was less authentic: PROUD, OUT, FREE, TRUE, FORGIVEN, HOPE, PEACE. I met Aslan in the closet, I met friends who became family in NYC, I learned that love and acceptance is alive, and best of all that change is not just coming, but happening around me, one person at a time.

UPDATE: Hell froze over, in other words, he apologized.
http://bjunity.org/news-views/bjunity-responds-to-bob-jones-iii-apology/

Come Back to the Water

I've been staring at the edge of the water
Long as I can remember, never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try

For so long I tried to fit into the expectations of female that were laid upon me. I tried to be a good daughter.

Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know where I cannot go
Where I long to be

The expectations assigned to me at birth kept me from where I long to be. And I can't escape the call of freedom.

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
If I go there's just no telling how far I'll go

Gender is a complicated path. But it is a necessary path to self. I'll go far to find my truth that's calling me.

I know everybody on this island seems so happy, on this island
Everything is by design
I know everybody on this island has a role, on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine

I came from the island. It's all I've ever known. God made male and female, and nothing in between. Gender roles are black and white to the people on the island. They all accept their place, so maybe I should accept mine.

I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I'll be satisfied if I play along
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me?

They tell me how I'm supposed to be. They tell me satisfaction will come with faith and obedience. I'm not so sure. Experience tells me differently.

See the light as it shines on the sea? It's blinding
But no one knows, how deep it goes
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me
And let me know
What's beyond that line, will I cross that line?

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Nothing about the path is guaranteed to go as planned.

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
How far I'll go

I'm coming back to the water. 

I have often dreamed of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome would be waiting for me
Where the crowds would cheer, when they see my face
And a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be

Everyone wants to be accepted and celebrated.

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance
I will find my way if I can be strong
I know every mile would be worth my while
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong 

Non-binary is hard. But truth is worth it. 

Down an unknown road to embrace my fate
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you
And a thousand years would be worth the wait
It might take a lifetime but somehow I'll see it through

Transgender is not just a transition, but a journey.

And I won't look back, I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track, no I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't loose hope, 'till I go the distanceAnd my journey is complete, oh yeah 

Truth is calling.

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart, oh

Like a shooting star, I will go the distance

I will search the world, I will face its harms
I don't care how far, I can go the distance
'Till I find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms

 I will search the world, I will face its harms
'Till I find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms

A psychiatrist told me that I needed thick skin to be transmasculine. Rejection is so hard to face. But I will find my truth, in the water.

in some way
in some time
forever in my heart
i find
i think
i know
wherever you may be
wherever you may end
you have me
all of me
and i am lost
within
the deep strong current of your love upon my heart.

my heart tho small and human
has stretched and ripped and torn
and only you

sweetness

have held me tight within your life.
i love you.

Eh

You know, I want the answers to my questions that float around my head every day (and that are currently bouncing around my head like a kangaroo on crack).  I want the maybe billion people on earth who go hungry every day to be fed.  I want to sleep deeply without memory.  I want to live close to the earth like a nomad or an Indian of the past in the Wild West.  I want justice for all.  Or at least peace. Hmm...what to do...

image borrowed from

A Most Atypical Resurrection Sunday Post

-KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK-
"Ma'am, we're EMTs.  We're here to help.  Please unlock the door."
"WHO ARE YOU??!" 
"My name is ... and I'm an EMT.  Please open the door."
-Click-click-unlock-
Lady with large steak knife appears in the door.
"PUT THAT DOWN!!" -us shutting door-
"Ok I put it down..." 
-us cracking door open-


We kicked the knife out onto the floor outside.


This lady needed attention today.  She planned to slice her wrists.  She called 911 and asked how deep one has to cut.  She wanted to die.


That scene should not have happened that way.  Police should arrive first and secure the scene before EMS enter the scene.  We received the all clear and proceeded.  Another officer arrived shortly afterwards to assist us.  So the way it went is a whole issue in itself.  But that is not why I am writing this post.


I have spent way too much of my life convincing people to live.  I do not regret spending my life convincing people to live.  I hate that people need convincing.  I hate that I have to convince myself sometimes.  Her 'minister' hung up on her.  Really?  Of all people...


Life is miserable sometimes.  U.S. citizens have it easy...and we are still miserable sometimes.  Our problems, our issues, and our hurts are only human.  I hate seeing people in pain.  DON'T YOU DARE THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY IN FRONT OF ME.  Please.  I care.  I care and I want to see you live your life.  I want to know you love and feel loved.  I want this world to be a better place for you and me.        Nothing is too broken that we cannot put our heads together and fix.  At least try with me.


Smiling is healthy.  We feel better when we smile.  Others feel better as well.  A smile from a special person can carry me through the day.  Smile.  Smile for me.


Notice the details.  Notice how the sun changes shades of color throughout the day.  Notice how the grass carries warmth or holds the cold.  Notice the ancient redolence of water and the intricate patterns it ripples out or its gift of absolute liquid stillness.  Notice the texture of a handshake.  Notice the smell of industry.  Notice the comfort of the fuzz on your favorite blanket.  Notice the consistence of the darkness of the night.  Enjoy. 


Think on a grey rock.  Think of a grey rock.  Close your eyes in the sunlight and follow those damn floaters with your mind.  Name those things for which you are grateful.  If you cannot think of any, find someone happy and ask them why they are happy.  I am not trying to be pious.  This is how I get through my day sometimes.  


I cannot say I believe that 'good will triumph over evil.'  I cannot say I trust in 'God's master plan' in which everything works out niftily and all tears get wiped away.  If there is a good god of love, then he will find a way to me or find me a way to him. I can say with certainty though, that all of us survivors, all of us together can make a difference.  Whatever it is that makes your life miserable, it can be changed.  Hope with me. Let us change the world.  We owe it to ourselves, to our children, and to our friends and loved ones.  Greedy religions, diseases, rabid pastors, sex abuse, drug trafficking, corrupt politics, global warming, tsunamis, flooding, and tornadoes -- I talked steak knife lady down yesterday.  I did my part.  I will worry about these other issues when I get off work ... :* 

Easter is cancelled...my bad!

     

All of Us, Wretches and Kings

"There's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious—makes you so sick at heart—that you can't take part. You can't even passively take part. And you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop. And you've got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it, that unless you're free, the machine will be prevented from working at all." -- Mario Savio -- Sproul Hall Steps, December 2, 1964

Linkin Park's album "A Thousand Suns" is excellent.  In particular the track "Wretches and Kings" is one that every spiritual abuse and church abuse survivor can understand and appreciate.  Set up the surround sound, turn it up loud, and let it rip.  Let it rattle around your head and down into your core.  On my drive home the other night, I played this song on repeat for two hours, singing/screaming along.  It kept me sane.

One of my favorite lines in this song is,"So get with the combat / I’m letting ‘em know/There ain’t shit you can say to make me back down. no!"  I have taken a lot of hits this week, mostly through comments and messages on Facebook.  People are just furious that I dared to suggest that my former church and pastor have issues and are less than perfect.  Basic human nature teaches us that people, no matter how wise or good they may be, can still make horrific mistakes and fall into horrible behaviors.  Also that power corrupts.  And that pride blinds.  This is in the Bible as well, human depravity being a basic tenant of Christianity.   So it really blows when people say 'I would never believe that Pastor or so and so deacon or family would do such a thing.'  First, that's a hypocritical statement, considering they all try to take the Bible literally.  Second, there are thousands of people who have been deeply hurt.  Denial effectively cuts them off from the church and keeps those who could help or change things from doing so.

With the recent media coverage in 20/20 on abuse cases, and for example Time magazine, I hope that change is around the corner.  Speaking out and leaving the movement is so difficult.  Leaving your childhood and life in the past is almost unfathomable.  Losing family and friends is agonizing.  Grieving and being shunned is harrowing.  Freedom is worth the price.  Learning to think independently is worth it.  Come out, come out wherever you are!  Thousands of us have walked your path.  We welcome you with open arms.  When you are ready, speak with your neighbors and friends.  Talk to the police.  Tell the state, the world, your new churches.  We are many, and united we can bring about the change that is so desperately needed to stop this hell.  With all my heart I hope there are no more Tina Andersons, Rachel Griffiths, Brent Stevens (scroll down a page and read about David Hyles), Esther Combs, and Hephzibah Houses.

If you or someone you know needs help or information on leaving a cult, please do not hesitate to contact me.  Listed below are some helpful websites.

http://www.freedomfromabuse.net/

http://www.rickross.com/

http://www.caic.org.au/

ABC 20/20 -- an Unfortunately Excellent Example

http://abcnews.go.com/2020  -- "Shattered Faith"

Key Phrases from 20/20

- The police dropped the ball.

- 100 smacks/stripes/hits.

- If you're not bruising them at some point, you're not spanking right...

- We're not associated with them.

1. Yeah well, y'all kept quiet for years.  The police had no balls to hold.

2.  No one has the right to hit a child 100 times.  No one should be hitting kids at all.  

3.  Bruising, visibly dead tissue, composed of burst blood vessels and traumatized tissue, has no spiritual benefits (superstition, anyone?).  

4.  Y'all call yourselves INDEPENDENT, FUNDAMENTALIST (Baptists, Believers, Christians).  So yes, you are associated.  Vehemently denying that you do not forcibly require women to submit to men, and that you are against abusive 'discipline' (spanking) does not change the fact that you believe 'God' has commanded women to submit and children to be 'beaten.'  Those things are in the Bible, after all.  

Breaking the Will

2008 source

"Critics say the church teaches a strict interpretation of the [sic]bible including the practice known as breaking the will of the child, with some advocating that it even be applied to infants as young as two weeks old." -- link from previous post

In answer to the question:


The phrase "breaking the will of a child" is used in the conservative fundamentalist Christian world.  One explanation I've heard compares this process with "breaking in a horse."  Children are born naturally stubborn and willful, like a wild bronco.  They are born to rebellion against God and consequently their parents.  A 6-month old child who arches his back during diaper-changing deserves smacking on the bare behind until he or she "submits" and relaxes without crying.  This gem of an idea (in this form) I've heard or read personally from a few, but most memorably in a revival meeting from the lips of  Ron Williams, the notorious bastard who founded the hell-house Hephzibah House (Winona Lake, Warsaw, Indiana).  


Hours of "spanking" are sometimes required to break a child's will.  Exempli gratia, the child who does not clean his or her room quickly and immediately enough deserves to be spanked for every 5 minutes taken to complete the task considered unnecessary by the parents.  This spanking process includes several hits to the backside of the child until the child is crying and has a posture of "submission" (CRINGING. WINCING). Then the child is ordered to stop crying.  Once the child has stopped crying (if he or she does not stop, whack'm some more!) the process is complete.  The child has acquiesced.  The gods are appeased.  The broken will is the ambiguous result of an assortment of these experiences.  Just as computer systems need updating, children need "attitude adjustments."


Some parents phase out spanking with age, others spank until their children are adolescents or beyond.  My last spanking was at the age of 14.  Let the Bible have the final words.


Deuteronomy 21:18-21 (KJV)
¹⁹ Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; ²⁰ And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. ²¹ And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Proverbs 22:15 (KJV)
¹⁵ Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.


Proverbs 23:13-14 (KJV)
¹³ Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. ¹⁴ Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Proverbs 29:15 (KJV)
¹⁵ The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.

http://blogs.abcnews.com/pressroom/2011/04/a-religious-sub-culture-many-americans-have-never-heard-of-yet-has-thousands-of-churches-across-the-.html

Sometimes I think that organized religion is the plague of the earth.

Two Ante Meridiem My Time

late nights and early mornings
smell and feel all alike
yet the subtle difference echoes in my thoughts
the move of night towards dawn
an awesome dance

i wonder if the sun will rise again
i wonder when the wind will feel so
i wonder where you are
i wonder if my heart still truly beats
i wonder why

my numb mind encases my body
my heart still hurts in some macropaedic way
my body aches in the far away
my soul is lonely
but my all sings

drifting i am in the cool night air
falling away from myself
the night speaks dark romance
and my heart beats hard
her majesty the moon whispers in my ear

and the tones drop :) off to save a whale...

Different: not the same as another or each other.  Unlike in nature, form, [and]or quality.

It is really not all that different.  Love comes in many shapes and sizes.  Your expression to a friend of love and appreciation is born from exactly those emotions and thoughts, named love and appreciation.  Context decides exactly how deeply those rivers run.  "I love you" could mean sarcastic irritation, simple appreciation, platonic friend love, or deep passion, with many shades of meaning in between those mentioned.

"I love you.  Seeing you the other day brought incredible joy to my life.  Your smile brings the sunshine to my day."  Judging from whom I borrowed this sentiment and towards whom it was directed, this is one of those platonic expressions of appreciation between two college friends, who happen to both be female.  Yet, a girl could use this sentiment as a romantic expression between herself and another person.  If the other person were male, all would be well and fine.  If it were a romantic expression between two females, a significant number of people would disapprove, violently even.  Because of course humans being evil as we are, blinded by pride and seeking always darkness, must keep love caged up and properly directed.  Such a powerful, beautiful thing as love needs restrained.

Lust of course is at least usually some part of romance.  Eros is a physical love.  Actions change reality.  So when desire has bad effects or intentions, of course it needs restrained or at least needs to mature.  Humans make mistakes.  Loving someone does not necessarily save anyone from making bad choices for that someone.  But that is not love's fault.  

It is not all that different.  Whose ears I choose to whisper my "I love yous" into and whose sweet lips I choose to express that upon are not so different choices from those ears you speak into and lips you choose to so appreciate.    

http://www.barna.org/barna-update/article/5-barna-update/55-born-again-adults-remain-firm-in-opposition-to-abortion-and-gay-marriage?q=homosexuality

That's What She Said

Life.  A journey.  A celebration.  Endless change.  All of this together sometimes messes with my head, hahaha.  So I'm just going to write.  Just to see what happens.